


Many faces

by Joaqueen



Category: Joker (2019)
Genre: Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Oral Sex, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21500185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joaqueen/pseuds/Joaqueen
Summary: Story about Joker/Joaquin.Starting off with some fluff, slowly easing in to full on smut!
Relationships: Joaquin Phoenix/You
Comments: 31
Kudos: 233





	1. Meeting J.

**Author's Note:**

> Please note, this is my very first try at posting a work. If you like it, please let me know and I will keep on writing. I have no intentions of hurting anybody's feelings, My work is just for entertainment purposes. I will be adding more chapters(and smut!) along the way. Enjoy!

It was only yesterday you got a call for this assignment. The contracted photographer pulled out and they were looking for someone who was available straight away. As a freelance photographer this was a great opportunity. You had never worked on a film set before, but you thought you'd be able to pull it off. You were supposed to be taking photos of people working on set. Photopgraphing people was something you loved and you could definitely do with the money, so you agreed to take the job.

In the email the agency spoke about a film called 'Joker', starring Joaquin Phoenix. You hadn't really seen a lot of his work, so you looked him up online. When you saw his picture, you recognised him from Gladiator, a film you'd seen ages ago. Watching clips on Youtube and reading about Joaquin, he seemed like a strange character, who even appeared a bit arrogant at times. You weren't too fond of having to photograph hím: afraid he might not be willing to have an unexperienced photographer as yourself to be working with.

The morning started off quite hectic. You slept through your alarm and had to rush to be on time. This was not how you wanted to start a new job! Only ten minutes late you arrived on set and people were already busy doing makeup, and setting up lights and cameras. You were supposed to meet the set manager and after asking around you finally found him. The set manager introduced himself as Tom. You felt very anxious about being late and apologised a million times, but he seemed to be very annoyed with you. Not the start you had hoped for.

Tom walked you around the set. It was a small room with some tables and chairs. There was a dressing table by the window, and Tim told you Joaquin would be sitting there putting on his clown makeup. Maybe you would want to take some pictures of that, he said. As he was still talking to you, going through the rules of being on set, a very skinny man walked in. His chest was bare and you could see his ribs sticking out. His dark hair had slight curls that were hanging in front of his face. A cigarette was dangling from the corner of his mouth. Tom walked up to him while he told you to follow. As you approached the extemely skinny figure, you started to feel very uncomfortable. What a creep! Tom introduced you to him, and when the man looked up from his under his curls, you had to take in a deep breath. Those greenish grey eyes...was this the guy you were looking up online last night? Was this really Joaquin? He looked so different having lost so much weight.

He stared at you and a smirk appeared on his face as he saw you were obviously startled by his appearance. 'You must be the new set photographer?', he spoke softly with his hoarse voice as he reached to shake your hand. 'I'll leave you to it', said Tom as he walked off to take care of some business. 'Well?', said Joaquin, as he was still holding on to your hand, looking right through you. His hand felt warm and his grip was strong. You tried to pull your hand back, but Joaquin tightened his grip. You realised he was still waiting for an answer. 'Yes, I am, and you must be Mr Phoenix I suppose.' His stare made you very uncomfortable as well as the fact he was still holding on to your hand. 'Call me Joaquin', he said still not letting go. You didn't know what to make of this prolonged hand shaking. 'Would you mind letting go of my hand, please?', you said and all of a sudden, he seemed to snap out off wherever he was, and pulled his hand back. 'Sorry', he whispered and you thought you saw the corner of his mouth trembling...

'Okay, guys, ready in five', you heard Tom yell from across the room. As if nothing had happened, Joaquin turned around and walked to the dressing table. As he walked away from you, you noticed every bone on his back sticking out. His protuding shoulder, his spine, his skinny waist. It kinda hurt to look at him. He sat down behind the desk and looked into the mirror. Your eyes met in the reflection of the mirror and you couldn't help but flushing. Joaquin noticed and smiled while shaking his head as if saying, 'silly girl'.

Filming started and it took only a little while to get comfortable enough to do your work. After a bit of a rough start, you were able to a good day of work. The lighting was soft and cast beautiful shadows. While Joaquin was doing his thing on camera, you were able to quietly take lots of pictures of him on set. You were pretty confident there would be some amazing shots. Working in the background was something you loved doing: being in the spotlight was not your thing.

When shooting was done on set, people started packing their things, cleaning things up and making things ready for the next day of filming. The actors left the set and went for a coffee or a smoke, before going out for a bit to eat. Apparently, they enjoyed eating out somewhere together after a long day's work, but nobody thought to invite you. You understood: being a newbie on the work floor, a rookie really, you could totally see while they wouldn't ask you to join in. And besides, you were easily overwhelmed by crowds of people and after such a long day, you were looking forward to some time alone.

The set grew even quieter, and you took your time wrapping things up. Packing all your gear, you were almost ready to leave, but you couldn't resist looking at the pictures on your camera first. As you flicked through them, a closeup of Joaquin's face popped up on the screen of your camera. His eyes looking straight at the lense. That same piercing gaze he gave you that morning. It sent a flutter through your body and again, you gasped for breath. What was it about this guy? He confused you, scared you even. Before you realised, you deleted the picture from your camera.

'Still here?', you heard a deep voice say suddenly. You jumped up and accidently dropped the camera from your hands. Joaquin was standing right behind you, wearing a navy blue hoodie, a pair of jeans that were hanging from his skinny waist and a pair of worn down All Stars. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you', he said as he bent down to pick up your camera. 'It's okay, I was just looking the pictures I took today', trying your best not to show how he had startled you. You took the camera from his hands and your fingers touched for a short moment. It sent a shiver through your spine. As he was standing close, you felt the warmth his skinny body radiated and you could smell his cologne mixed with the smell of tobacco. Somehow, it made you feel safe instantly. 'I hope it's not broken', Joaquin said, as he took the camera back from your hands and switched it on. It still worked, luckily, and Joaquin started to look through the photos you took that day, without even bothering to ask you first.

'You're good at what you do', he said as he tilted his head to looking at you from under his dark lashes. You always felt very uncomfortable making eye-contact, but Joaquin took that uncomfortable feeling to a whole new level. Every time he gazed at you, you felt so vulnerable, naked almost, but he didn't seem to notice. 'You want to join me for coffee tonight?', he asked as he gave back the camera. You were a bit taken aback by his question. 'You're not going out for pizza?', you asked. He smiled and lifted up his hoodie, showing his bare super skinny torso. 'Have you seen this? I'm not suppossed to gain any weight while filming, so I'm not torturing myself going to a pizza place', as he dropped his hoodie again.

'I'd rather go home if you don't mind', you said. 'Well, actually I do mind. I would like you to come. It would be nice for me to get to know you a bit better if we are to be working together'. He held up your coat so you could slip your arms in. He took your heavy camera bag from you as the two of you were the last to leave the set. He wasn't going to have no for an answer. A coffee wouldn't hurt and there wouldn't be a crowd either.

Joaquin took you to a coffee shop nearby. You sat down as he asked you what you wanted to drink. 'A latte, please, decaf'. You didn't want to drink any caffeine this late. You had major trouble sleeping and didn't want to make it worse by drinking coffee at night and you already felt a bit anxious. As the rain was pouring down outside, Joaquin came back with two coffees. Nobody bothered Joaquin while he was sitting there with you. It was his regular coffee shop and people just left him alone. He asked you how you liked working on set, and you chatted a while about this and that. All the while he kept looking at you with this piercing gaze, and the longer you sat there with him, the more anxious you started to feel. You should have gone home to spent some time alone, because you could feel a meltdown coming on. Feeling tired, stressed and overwhelmed after this first day at a new job, having a panic attack was something you could have expected to happen. Your anxiety didn't care if this was an appropriate time or not.

As Joaquin kept talking, you could see your vision narrowing into a small tunnel and your breathing was getting out of control. Your were very able to mask it normally, but not for much longer. This would be a bad one...As you felt a surge of panic rush through you, you got up and without saying anything ran to the restroom. Slamming the door behind you, you leaned against the wall for support. You tried to slow your breathing to stop hyperventilating, but you were already too far gone. How fucking embarrasing this was!

The door of the restroom opened and Joaquin came in. One look at you and he seemed to know exactly what was going on. How the fuck did he know?! He came up to you, wrapped his arms tightly around you and wasn't planning on letting go. You could smell his body and hear his heartbeat. It felt so nice having him hold you. He put his face close to your ear and whispered: 'Sssh...you're having a panic attack. You're going to be just fine, just don't fight it.' He started to stroke your hair and kept whispering reassuring words. He grabbed your arms you had crossed in front of your body and put them around his waist. You felt his ribs under your trembling fingers. 'Breathe with me', he said as he tried to help you to stop hyperventilating. 'I can't', you whispered. 'Yes, you can. Come on, breathe with me', Joaquin whispered. He put one of your hands on his chest, so you could pick up his pace of breathing. 'You're breathing too fast', and he put his hand on your lower belly. 'Try breathing towards my hand', he instructed. He was very calm, but you were not. Him putting his hand on your belly didn't do any good calming you down. You felt your belly getting warm under his fingers and it made you squeeze your thighs together, and to your shame you could feel yourself getting wet. What was wrong with you? This guy was trying to help you through a panic attack and instead you felt aroused...You tried to focus on your breathing even harder and after a while, the anxiety slowly left your body and your breathing returned to normal. Joaquin removed his hand and instead wrapped his arms around you again. As he pulled you close, you thought you could feel he was slightly hard. It confused you. Just before he let go, Joaquin softly kissed your hair. 'Maybe it's best if I took you home', he spoke softly and he put a hand on your lower back to gently push you out of the restroom. He paid for the coffee before grabbing both your coats and holding the door open for you. You followed his lead, feeling drained by the panic attack you just experienced, too confused to think straight after what just happened between you and Joaquin. Or was it all in your head?


	2. Walking home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After having a panic attack, Joaquin walks you home and things get even more akward.

You walked the street with Joaquin next to you. This city never sleeped. Joaquin had offered to call for a taxi, but you preferred some fresh air. It was strange that you had only met him some twelve hours ago and it already felt like you've known him for a long time. Darkness had set in. It almost stopped raining, but you were shivering nonetheless. Going through a major panic attack always left you feeling drained, tired and feeling cold. What a way to end this day. And what a first impression you must have given... As you were walking a few wasted young men passed you and yelled something inaudible. Joaquin put his arm around your shoulder, pulled you close and looked at you reassuringly. It was nice having him walk you home. Night time wasn't the safest moment of the day to be walking around the streets.  
Joaquin noticed your shivering. 'You okay?', he asked. His curls were damp from the little rain that was still falling. It made his hair curl even more. 'I'm really cold and tired, that's all', you answered. 'I'm sure that having to go through such a panic attack leaves you feeling like this. Do you have them often?' Joaquin stopped walking and took his coat off, then his hoodie. He handed it to you and slipped back into his coat. 'Here, put this on', while he helped you out of your coat, into his hoodie, and back into your coat. 'Better?'. 'Mmm, thanks', was all you could mumble. 

As the two of you continued to walk down to your apartment, you thought back about what happened in the restroom of the coffee shop. You felt utterly ashamed for not being able to pull yourself together in the restroom and wondered how Joaquin felt about that. You didn't have panic attacks often and major ones were exceptional. Not today though. Today Joaquin saw you at your most vulnerable. You hardly opened up to close friends, let alone to someone you just met. You didn't know what to say to Joaquin to make this akward situation any better, so you just didn't speak at all. Instead you smelled his hoodie and his scent was mesmerizing. The silence between you made him feel very far away, but the way his hoodie smelled made him feel close. Just like in the restroom, smelling him made you feel safe.

When you finally reached your apartment building, you turned to face Joaquin. 'Thank you for staying with me in the restroom', you spoke softly without looking him in the eye, feeling too ashamed. 'It's nothing, I'm glad I was able to calm you down'. You still didn't look at him. You kept staring at his worn down All Stars, soaking wet from the puddles of rain. 'Look at me', he said. You swallowed, but you couldn't look up. He waited a few seconds and then you could feel his fingers under your chin, tilting your face up towards his. 'Why won't you look at me?', he asked. He raised your chin with his fingers until your eyes met. There was that gaze again. 'I'm just so ashamed of having that panic attack and putting you in such akward situation', you stammered, the side of your face now resting in the palm of his hand. 'Nothing to worry about. Really, I'm serious. Sometimes these things happen, things you can't control. Please, it's nothing'. He smiled to make you feel more comfortable. 'Would you like to come in to warm up a little?', you heard yourself say. For a minute he seemed taken aback by your offer to come in, and he turned away from you. With his back now towards you, he didn't say anything for a while and you really didn't know how to react to his silence. He then turned back around, giving you that gaze again and said, 'I think I'd better not. Before things happen we can't control.' He reached into his coat for a cigarette and whilst lighting it he turned around to look for a taxi to drive him home. He drew in a deep breath from his cigarette and blew the smoke in the cold air. 'I still have your hoodie', you said as he started to walk away. 'Give it back tomorrow,' he said, 'smelling me might help you to sleep a bit better tonight'. He just kept walking as he said this and didn't look back. Did he really just say that?! What was that supposed to mean?! You turned around walking into the apartment building, burying your face in his hoodie. You knew he was right.


	3. The day after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a rough night, returning to work was difficult. Seeing Joaquin makes you want him even more, but Joaquin keeps you at a distance. Or does he?

You heard your phone ringing from a distance. The ringtone sounded harsh and was so loud it hurt your ears. You woke up with a major headache after a night of tossing and turning. Drifting in and out of sleep, you had felt Joaquin's hands all over your body, touching you, teasing you. One minute he devoured you as Joker, the next he was gentle and shy like Arthur might be, and the moment after that he fucked you as confident as Joaquin had pulled you out of your panic attack in the restroom...it made your head spin. 

With a throbbing headache you got out of bed, still wearing Joaquin's hoodie. You slept in it. With one eye open, you checked the time. Fuck! It was 10am already! You were supposed to have been at work at 8am. A bit unsteady on your feet you walked to the kitchen table where you dropped your phone the night before and forgot to set the alarm clock. It wasn't until then that you noticed how wet you were from dreaming about Joaquin. Your panties were soaked. This was just crazy. What was it that this man did with you? And why did you all of a sudden feel like this? After all, you didn't even know him. You knew shit about him.

Seven missed calls from a number you didn't recognise. Five voicemails. Did Joaquin call you? Was he worried about you? How did he get your number? You dialed voicemail and realised it wasn't Joaquin that called you, but Tom, the manager on set. The first voicemail was kind of friendly, asking you where you were and why you were late. The messages went from bad to ugly and the last voicemail was Tom yelling 'Where the fuck are you? Get your ass in here now, or you don't have to come back!'.

After a quick shower and a coffee you were ready to go. Grabbing your camera and a few lenses, you left your apartment. Joaquin's hoodie was in your backpack. You would give it back today, thank him for walking you home and then say your goodbyes. This job wasn't for you. This man was messing with your head. This was the second day of work, the second day your overslept. If you showed up now, you could still get paid. 

They were filming at a different address today near a subway station. The street was closed off in both directions and filled with cameras and crew. You looked through the crowd, but couldn't spot Joaquin. He was supposed to be wearing his Joker costume today, and with it being a bright red, it should have been easy to spot him. 'Well, she finally decided to show!', shouted an angry voice from behind. Tom was marching up to you, his face almost as red as Joker's suit from being so furious. 'If we weren't so desperate for a set photographer, I would have kicked your ass out already!'. He was fuming. As he was still yelling at you, you could hear the crowd from a distance. Something was about to happen. 'Now get to work!', said Tom and he took off in the direction of where the noise was coming from. You grabbed your camera and waited for what was about to come.

From a distance you saw the camera crew coming your direction. They were following a person running. He wasn't wearing the red suit, but he did have his clown makeup on. Joaquin! You heart skipped a beat and you remembered the way you felt about him waking up, but you managed to pull yourself together for some good photos. As soon as you clicked the camera, you forgot how lost Joaquin had made you feel. Filming went on for quite some time. You got some shots of Joaquin from a distance before losing sight of him and you spent the rest of the day taking behind the scenes shots. The day ended with shooting a scene of Joaquin running from a subway station into a public restroom. Even though it was already dark and the lighting wasn't too great to shoot photos, you would be able to get up close enough to shoot some nice portraits.

You were already in the public restroom with a few other crew members ready for action. Joaquin came running into the restroom slamming the door behind him. He was wearing his smeared clown makeup and his clown costume. There was blood on his face. His anxious breathing reminded you of your own the night before. He was playing his roll so well, it sent chills down your spine. He looked so different from the night before when he gave you his hoodie. Joaquin was so wrapped up in acting, he didn't seem to notice you. The director gave the cue to start playing the score for that scene and as the music began, Joaquin set one foot of in front of the other. Slowly but surely, his movements became more dance-like and not before long he was dancing his own dance in the restroom. He let his body take over and his hands moved gracefully around his torso, he seemed to even forget the cameras. Something magical happened in that restroom that even surprised the director. Apparently, the dance wasn't scripted and Joaquin just let his acting take over. When the director cut the scene, there was a round of applause and Joaquin came back to his own self. As he looked around the room, his eyes met yours and he didn't look too pleased to see you. Where he seemed to have looked right through you the night before, his eyes just went passed you as he left the room. As if nothing had happened. As if you were just another member of the crew. 

It was a wrap for the day. It was nearing eleven when you got back to the 'office' where all the makeup and costumes were stored. You had dropped your spare gear here this morning, and needed to pick it up. As you entered the room, Joaquin was just getting out of his costume. It seemed you had placed your equipment in the wrong room after rushing in late yet again.  
'You could have knocked', Joaquin said as he pulled his jeans up and tucked in his shirt. 'I came to return your hoodie', you said. 'Just put it on the chair, I'll take it with me later'. His voice sounded cold. Joaquin kept on doing whatever the hell he was doing, without even looking at you. He looked tired, as if he hadn't slept. His eyes were dark, his hair a mess. He didn't say a word about the night before and you didn't have the nerve to bring it up either. You wanted to tell him you thought about quiting this job, but didn't know where to start. You couldn't possibly tell him how he made your head spin, how you masturbated in the shower thinking of his face between your thighs, or how you longed to feel him inside of you. How you wanted him to hold you again. This was a famous actor and you were supposed to be a professional photographer. You shouldn't be feeling any of this.

'Where were you?', he asked all of a sudden. For the first time he looked up at you. His eyes looked angry and hurt as he pressed his lips together. You noticed there was still some white facepaint just around his ears. The way he stood there, with his clothes hanging loosely from his body and his tired eyes, he looked vulnerable.  
You took a step towards him. 'I'm really sorry. I overslept after having a rough night and wasn't sure if I should come in at all'. 'I was very worried about you after last night', he said. 'So my hoodie didn't do much good? Maybe I should've come in with you after all.' His eyes softened a bit. 'Are you really considering quiting? Am I that boring?'. He had that smirk on his face again as he waited for you to answer. 'Maybe you should give it another few weeks and make up your mind then. This was only your second day and I'm sure things get better once you get used to things being hectic'. You looked at him and the thought of not being able to see him anymore was crushing you. Maybe the feeling of longing for him would be easier to bare than the empty feeling of missing him. 'Maybe you're right, Joaquin. Maybe I should give it a bit more time.There is still some white paint on your face', you said. Joaquin reached up to wipe the paint away, but missed the spot where the paint was. 'Let me', and before you knew what you were doing, your hand reached up to his ear to rub the paint away. As your fingers touched the side of his face, his hand reached up quickly and he stopped you from touching him. 'Don't', he whispered in a hoarse voice. What followed was an akward silence while Joaquin wiped the paint of his face and lit a cigarette. You didn't think you crossed a line by helping him wipe his face clean, but obviously Joaquin did. He walked away from you and stood by the window, staring at the city lights in the distance.

To break the silence you mentioned his dancing in the restroom. He looked up from his cigarette. 'Being in the restroom brought me back to what happened last night, and then my body just took over', he said. 'What exactly did happen yesterday?', you asked him, still confused as to why he stopped you from cleaning his face just now. He turned around from the window and walked up very close to you. His face was now so close to yours you could smell the tobacco. His eyes pierced yours and he slowly said: 'What happened? You tell me. You tell me why you got so aroused you couldn't hide it from me. You think I didn't notice? Well, I did. And then you ask me to come in after I walk you home. Are you for real? I would have fucked you so hard, your legs would be shaking', he whispered. 

There was a loud knock on the door. You gasped for breath and Joaquin stepped back, his eyes still locked with yours. Tom, the manager on set walked in. 'Joaquin, we need to go through some scenes for tomorrow', and Joaquin followed him out of the room. 'Don't play me', Joaquin snapped at you as he left the room. 

Confused of what just happened, you grabbed your stuff and walked across the room. As you walked passed the chair, you saw Joaquin's hoodie. You took it from the chair and off you went into the darkness, not knowing what to do next.


	4. Still shaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full on smut starring Joker and yourself with a surprising twist at the end. Some non-con and violence included. I hope I didn't offend anyone.

'Don't you know how dangerous it is to play with Joker?', he hissed as he pressed your body between against the wall. 'Joker doesn't like girls who refuse to listen'. He had pinned you against the wall, his torso pressed firmly against your back as you faced the wall. This wasn't Joaquin, this was somebody else, although his piercing gaze was the same. You tried to free yourself from his grip, but the more you struggled the tighter he held onto you. He was so strong, there was no way you could get him to let you go. And you weren't sure you wanted him to let you go. As he pressed his lower body against your ass, you could feel his erection. He started to make thrusting movements, while he moaned in your ear. 'I'm going to have to hurt you to teach you a lesson', he whispered, his voice sounding deep and animal-like. With one hand he grabbed both your hands and raised them above your head, pressing them against the wall. His other hand slipped into your panties, feeling how warm, wet and swollen your were from what he was doing to you. He kicked your legs wider by shoving his foot against yours. His fingers found their way into your wet opening and when he slipped inside of you easily, he opened his two fingers like scissors, spreading you wide open and then letting go again. It made you go crazy. As he did this, he kept thrusting hard and you could feel the bones of his hips against yours. You wanted to come on his fingers, but as you were getting more aroused, he suddenly stopped and pulled his hand back. 'Not yet..........not yet', he whispered as he quickly turned you round to face him. 

Those eyes, you drowned in them. Through the facepaint you caught a glimpse of Joaquin, but he was gone as fast as he came and it was now Joker again who was looking at you. Joker grabbed you hair from behind and pulled hard. 'Get on your knees', he said, as he pulled you to the floor. As you were sitting in front of him, he pulled down his pants, revealing his throbbing erection. 'Open your mouth', he commanded, and he pinched your cheeks hard to get you to open your mouth. He thrust himself in, while he held the back of your head. As he fucked your mouth, you could taste him. Tears rolled down your face as he thrust too deep, but Joker didn't seem to care one bit. 

He still held on to your hair as he left your mouth and pulled you up. Without effort he threw you over his shoulder, while holding on to your ass. He smacked it hard leaving a red mark on you. He walked over to the bed and threw you on it. Before you had time to get up, he was already hovering above you. You wanted to feel him inside of you so bad, it hurt. Without saying anything, Joker pressed his knees between your legs and spread them wide open. He positioned himself in between your thighs ready to taste you. You weren't ready for him to lick you, but he held you in place. As you looked down, you saw that gaze again. Green greyish eyes staring at you from under those thick dark lashes. You knew what he was about to do and couldn't do anything but letting him do it. As he kept looking at you, he stuck out his tongue and let it slide along your slit. He sucked on your clit, as his fingers penetrated you again. His facepaint smeared all over his face and your inner thighs, but he didn't give a fuck about it. The rapid movements of his tongue almost made you explode from the inside, but as the waves of an orgasm were rolling in, he pulled away from you. He was teasing you so bad refusing to give you an orgasm. 'You don't come, until I tell you to', he said in a hoarse voice. 

'Fuck me, Joker', you begged him. He smirked at you, enjoying the way he felt you squirming underneath him. Skinny as he was, he sure knew how to work his body for maximum pleasure. 'Stay there', he said, as he got up to smoke a cigarette. He sat down in the chair opposite the bed and watched you as he blew smoke from the corner of his mouth. Watching him just sat there, naked, his erection throbbing, casually smoking a cigarette, drove you insane. 'Touch yourself', he whispered, and an eerie laugh escaped his lips. You felt too shy, too insecure to do so. 'Do as you're told', Joker repeated as his eyes kept staring at you. His cigarette was dangling from the corner of his mouth. You started touching yourself as you watched Joker grab hold of his erection, moving his hand slowly up and down along the shaft. In the other hand he still had his cigarette. Watching him touching himself while smoking was too much. You closed your eyes and let your orgasm closing in. Without realising it, Joker had slipped back into bed and all of sudden he was on top of you. Without hesitation he penetrated you and started to make deep and hard thrust. He fucked you hard and sent a sweet pain through your body. You were so close to coming apart underneath him. Joker didn't slow down once and you could feel his skinny body shaking, as he was getting close to an orgasm as well. 'I'm going to come', you whispered in his ear, his green curls dangling in your face. 'I want you to look at me when you come', Joker said. And as the orgasm took over and sent your body into a warm spasm you looked up to face Joker. But when you did, you saw Joaquin, thrusting inside of you. No facepaint, no green hair, no Joker. It was Joaquin who was fucking you. His eyes locked onto yours and as he looked down he let out a soft moan as he spilled inside of you. 'I told you I would fuck you until your legs were shaking', he laughed, and he let his body exhaustedly drop on top of yours.

Your orgasm had woken you from your dream. You sat up in bed, still breathing heavily, your panties soaked. Joaquin's hoodie lay on the pillow next to you and you grabbed it to smell it. Oh Joaquin, what is happening to me? As you looked around and came back to this world, you looked at your phone. 3.37am. On your screen, there was a notification from a number you didn't recognise. You opened the message and read, 'Still shaking...? J.'


	5. Close and Far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get complicated as Joaquin and you finally get together, but it ends bad. Contains sexual intercourse, a bit of rough sex and feelings of abandonment at the end.

The morning started with a meeting at work. As you entered the conference room, Joaquin was already inside, sitting on a chair at the far end corner of the room. As you walked in his eyes followed you every step. The way he looked at you reminded you of the way Joker had looked at you in your dream, sitting on the chair with his cock in his hand. You tried to ignore the warm feeling in your belly and took your seat, not too far away from Joaquin. 

As Tom opened the meeting you drifted off in thoughts. Occasionally your eyes would meet Joaquin's. He looked exhausted with dark circles around his eyes. He looked even skinnier than before, with deep lines around his mouth. He was rocking his knee up and down under the table and couldn't sit still. He was biting his nails now and then. When Tom asked his opinion about a certain location, Joaquin seemed very uninterested and mumbled almost inaudible 'Whatever. It's fine with me'. He gave you an intense look from under his dark lashes and suddenly jumped up from his chair.  
'I need a smoke', he mumbled and just left the meeting. Tom just let him walk, accepting the fact that today obviously was not a good day for Joaquin. 

The rest of the meeting didn't concern you so after a few minutes you excused yourself. You left the room and went looking for Joaquin. Whatever it was that was bothering him, it wouldn't let him go. Walking down the hall, you wondered where he could be. Maybe his dressing room would be the first place to look. Smoking wasn't allowed in the building, but Joaquin didn't care. As you approached the door of is dressing room, you could hear music playing softly.  
'Joaquin?', you said as you entered the room. Joaquin was sitting in the window sill, staring outside. A cigarette hung from his lips and he had put his hair in a small bun on the back of his head. He turned around and looked at you. His eyes were hollow and sad.  
'Can I come in?', you asked. He gave just a nod. You closed the door behind you and started to walk up to Joaquin. He turned around again, facing the window, not aknowledging your presence.  
'You okay?', you asked, your dirty thoughts from the night before far far away.  
'No, I'm not'..., he said. 'It's complicated'. He didn't seem like he wanted to talk to you about what was wrong and you wouldn't push him. Instead, you put your hand on his back to let him know you were there. He sighed as he felt your touch, but didn't pull back. He didn't move at all and just kept staring out of the window. You stroked his back softly, feeling his ribs and spine under your fingers. Why would he push himself so far for a role? 

All of a sudden, Joaquin stood up, put his cigarette in the ash tray and looked at you. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close.  
'I'm really sorry', he whispered.  
'About what, Joaquin?', you felt confused.  
'About sending you that text last night. That was well out of order'.  
You didn't really know what to say. Here was Joaquin feeling guilty about sending you a suggestive text while you had fucked him over and over in your dreams. His text was nothing compared to that.  
'It's just that you've been on my mind constantly, and it's starting to break me up', he said with a hoarse voice. His voice was so low you almost couldn't hear what he was saying.  
You looked up at him and wanted to tell him how much you longed for him. But as you looked into his eyes, he looked pained. He obviously struggled. He smelled so good, standing so close you could feel his body under you hands.  
'I couldn't sleep last night, kept tossing and turning. I got out of bed, took a walk at 3am, just wandering around the city. I ended up at you apartment, but didn't have the guts to ring the doorbell. Instead, I sent you that text. I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have done that'. 

With both hands on your cheeks, he lifted your face up. He kept his eyes locked on yours and moved his face closer. You drowned in those eyes looking at you from under those thick dark lashes. His lips slowly touched the side of your face and very very slowly he moved his lips towards yours. You could feel your heart racing. Carefully, he caressed your mouth with his soft lips. It wasn't even kissing yet, just lips barely touching. You opened your mouth slightly and tried to touch his lips with your tongue. His breathing got more rapid as he felt you wanting more. He opened his lips slightly and let you taste him. Your tongue met his and it aroused you even more. 

You were kissing full on when Joaquin whispered: 'You need to tell me to stop...'.  
'But what if I don't want you to stop?', you answered, clinging onto him. 'I want to feel you inside of me so bad, Joaquin...'  
He lifted you up, with your legs on either side of him. His hard cock was pushing against your wet opening. You craved for him so bad it hurt. You held onto his shoulders tightly as he walked you across the room to the sofa, his lips hungrily searching yours.  
'If you don't stop me now, I'm going to fuck you right here on the sofa', he panted.  
'You can do with me whatever you want, Joaquin'. You were so ready to have him penetrate you...  
'Anything I want?', he asked as he looked down on you and layed you down on the sofa. His eyes seemed to be scanning yours, but you were not sure what he was looking for. His lips curled into a smile. 'You're not ready for that. Not yet.'  
You didn't know what he meant by this, and frankly you didn't give a fuck. You wanted him close, as close as possible. You wanted him to fuck you senseless. You wanted him to make you come.  
Joaquin took off his hoodie and t-shirt. Seeing him so skinny hurt, but it drove you insane at the same time. He pulled your pants and top off and then his own jeans. Feeling him naked on top of you was just too much. He buried his face in your long hair and started kissing and gently biting you neck. You pulled Joaquin's head even closer while you pulled out the elastic tie from his hair and let your fingers run through his thick dark hair. 

He looked up at you and said: 'Are you sure you want me to fuck you?'. You nodded and immediately you felt Joaquin's hand sliding down from your stomach to your thighs. He caressed your inner thighs, barely letting his fingertips touch you. You felt shivers going through your body. He stroked your inner thighs going up and down, stopping every time he was about to touch your wet pussy. It drove you mad, him teasing you like that. You were soaking through your panties now and if he were to put his hand on there, he would feel just exactlty how wet he had made you. 

His hand moved upward again and he touched the lace border of your panties. His hand slipped inside, and he finally found his way to your cunt. You gasped for breath, as his middle finger found your most sensitive spot.  
'Is this all for me?', he whispered as he felt your wet opening. He didn't wait for you to answer as he suddenly penetrated you with his fingers. You arched you back and let out a soft moan. You were gasping for breath and Joaquin's breathing was very rapid as well. He was fingering you fast and deep and you wanted him to make you come on his fingers.

'Are you ready for me?', Joaquin whispered as he pulled his hand out of your panties and took them off while he let you catch your breath.  
'I want to feel you inside of me, Joaquin', you begged him. 'Fuck me...'  
He hovered his body over yours as you felt his erection pushing against your opening.  
'Look at me', he whispered, and he lowered his body down as you felt his hard cock sliding inside of you. Your eyes locked as you felt him fully penetrate you. He felt so good! Joaquin slowly started thrusting inside of you. He placed one hand under your knee and pulled it up to penetrate you even deeper. He looked down on you as his hips started grinding harder up and down inside of you. His eyes looked intense as he kept on thrusting faster and deeper. He was now fucking you so hard it almost hurt, but the pain was sweet and you felt an orgasm closing in.  
You put your hands on his chest to slow him down a bit, but Joaquin grabbed them immediately and put them by the side of your head. He had pinned you down now and the weight of his skinny body was enough to keep you underneath him. You were both very close to coming, and Joaquin kept fucking you in this fast pace. He didn't once slow down and the way he fucked you was very rough. As if he was fucking all his anger and frustration away. You liked it. He liked it too and hearing him moan and pant, enjoying this fuck he gave you, was so hot....  
'I'm going to come, Joaquin...', you moaned.

'I want you to look me in the eye when you come', he said as he put one hand under your chin and made you look at him. 'Say my name', he demanded.  
You lost yourself as you looked at him. You wanted this moment to last forever. 'Joaquin.....', you moaned, as you felt yourself come underneath his warm body. The orgasm was very intense, and as you kept looking at Joaquin, he spilled himself inside of you. His hard thrusts became sloppy and irregular, less deep. His body spasmed. He slowly stopped moving and let his body lay down on top of yours. You could feel his stomach wet with sweat. His breathing slowly became more regular and he rolled over on his back, his cock slipping out of your pussy as he pulled you close. You laid your head down on his shoulder as Joaquin lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply.

There was an akward silence. Joaquin didn't say anything. He smoked his cigarette and seemed to be drifting further away from you. When you looked up, you saw that same dark Joaquin again. The same one you saw as you walked into his dressing room an hour ago.  
'What's wrong?', you asked.  
Joaquin took a deep sigh and paused. After a while he said: 'I'm scared...really scared'.  
'Scared of what?', you asked.  
'Scared of loving you', Joaquin spoke softly.  
You didn't know what he meant, but didn't ask any further to allow Joaquin to finish his thoughts.

After a moment, he spoke again: 'I feel like I'm losing myself in you. You get so close to me, you're breaking down my walls... I haven't felt so vulnerable in a long time and it scares me. Loving you means I risk getting hurt by losing you... I don't want that risk'.  
You sat up and looked at Joaquin. He looked vulnerable indeed. But breaking down walls was exactly what he was doing with yoú. It was fucking scary, letting him in. You knew what he meant, you felt the same. You drowned in him, and it was fucking scary. These intense emotions were hard to deal with. 

Before you could say anything, Joaquin got up and put his clothes back on.  
'Joaquin, wait...', you said, but he seemed quite anxious all of a sudden. Like the intensity of what just happened hit him.  
'I-I'm sorry...', he stammered absently as he rushed to the door and left the room.  
You felt tears welling up in your eyes and you started to tremble. Had he really just walked out the room? Nice one! You got up from the sofa and felt Joaquin's cum dripping out of you. With your panties, you wiped it away. You slipped into you clothes and threw you panties in the bin. Why was this man so fucking difficult? You couldn't make sense of it all. 

On the way home you could still feel him thrusting hard inside of you. His smell was all over your body and in your hair. Without taking a shower, you laid down on your bed, feeling cold and empty. You recalled having Joaquin's number from the text he sent you. You dialed the number and waited. Waited. Waited. When you thought the call went through to voicemail, you heard Joaquin pick up. He didn't say anything, but you could hear him breathe and inhale from a cigarette.  
'Joaquin...? Can we please talk...? I need you..........', you felt tears running down your face  
'...........................This was a mistake.', you heard him say as his voice broke. 'I am really sorry if I hurt you....I didn't mean to....But it shouldn't have happened.....I.....I don't know......I'm so sorry.........'  
Then he hung up. Silence. The story of your life. Everytime you opened up to someone, they left. Just like that, they left. Joaquin left. And you didn't know how to deal with that.


	6. Fortress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter looking at things from a different perspective. If you are offended by a tiny bit of anal sex, stop reading now. If not, enjoy!
> 
> PS: thanks for all the comments and kudos. This is my first work and it's turning into a bigger story than I had anticipated. No quick fixes, but more of a story line that I hope you enjoy. Much love!

Joaquin was still smoking his cigarette. Did he hear her cry just now when she called him? With the phone still in his hand, he closed his eyes and blew out a big puff of smoke. With his eyes closed he saw her tiny naked body underneath him. She was so beautiful as she looked up at him with his cock thrusting inside of her. He wanted to make her fall apart underneath him and he had done just that. The waves of his own orgasm still tangible, he brought the cigarette with a shaking hand to his lips and slowly inhaled. He knew he fucked up...

Joaquin opened his eyes and tried to ignore his throbbing erection, but it was starting to be painful. He deserved that. For hurting her the way he did. Not just physically hurting her when he lost control fucking her hard, but also for abandoning her the way he did. But he just couldn't do it. He couldn't stay and allow her to fall for him. He didn't know why he was so afraid of letting her come close. He didn't like being vulnerable so instead he'd rather push her away. He was a very private person who spent years building an imprenetable fortress and he wouldn't let her in no matter how loud she'd be banging the door. He fucked her and that was it. He wanted to forget her...he needed to forget her and move on...

His erection still present, Joaquin walked to the bathroom. He took off his clothes and as he did so, he thought he could smell her on him. He felt anger towards himself for just walking out like that, and he was angry with her too. But for what reason? She didn't do anything. She allowed him to fuck her and maybe that's why he felt so angry with her. She shouldn't have let him. He asked her to make him stop and she didn't. His feelings were overwhelming and all of a sudden he could feel tears welling up in his eyes.  
He pushed his tears back as best as he could and tried to forget about how good it felt fucking her. How it felt making her his. How she had whispered his name when he made her come. It shouldn't have happened and he was going to have to let it go. Just carry on like she didn't drive him mad. Ignore her and she would eventually hate him for it and move on. 

He turned on the water and got in the shower. Maybe having a shower would cool him down. Help him get rid of this fucking erection. But as he felt the water running across his skinny body, it reminded him of how she had touched him. Her sweet fingers running through his messy hair, making him shiver and hunger for her pussy. Joaquin closed his eyes again and saw her in the shower with him. He imagined how he would turn her facing the wall and he would push his chest against her back. He wanted to finger her again, and his hand slid down her back to her tight ass. From behind he cupped her warm pussy with his hand for a moment and listened to her soft moans. Then he penetrated her with two fingers. She arched her back and moved her hips up and down on his fingers. She kept moving faster and her body started to shiver. This girl got so wet for him! With his index and middle finger still fucking her he put his thumb on her ass and penetrated her there very slowly. She seemed startled and put her hand on his arm to stop him, but he held his fingers still, so she could adjust to what his was doing. He wouldn't hurt her this time. She slowly let go of his hand and allowed him in. Joaquin slowly moved his thumb inside of her ass. Oh, how he wanted to fuck her! Her panting became more shallow and he heard her make soft moans as she grabbed his other hand and wrapped it around her waist. She wanted him to hold her close while he had her in this vulnerable position.  
'You like this?', he whispered in her ear. She answered an almost inaudible 'Yes...' as she started to move her body on his fingers. Joaquin freed his other hand from her waist and grabbed his cock. He stroked his length and moved his hand up and down along his shaft. The tip of his cock was so sensitive and he wanted her to suck it. Maybe come in her mouth if she'd let him...The thought of that aroused him even more. He moved his hand faster up and down his cock and was close to coming when he heard his phone ringing again from the bedroom. He came hard as he whispered her name and the image of her with him in the shower disappeared as he watched his cum wash away with the water. 

With one arm stretched out against the wall in the shower, he let the warm water stream down his back, still panting while he stared into nothingness. His dark hair was hanging in his face and he watched the water dripping down from the tips of his curls. He took a deep breath: his orgasm hadn't brought on the relieve he'd hoped for. Although he released pressure, he still longed for her. But he was determined not to give in to that feeling. He wasn't going to let himself get hurt. 

Joaquin turned the water off and got a towel to put around his waist. He was so fucking hungry, but wasn't allowed to eat something until the next day. He grabbed his sweatpants from a chair and put it on. He laid down on his bed and lit another cigarette. He wanted her beside him. His phone rang again. He checked to see who the caller was and saw it was Tom. 'Oh, fuck off', he thought to himself. He turned his phone off and rolled back onto the matress. Smoking and biting his nails, his thoughts went crazy. Exhausted, Joaquin finally drifted off in a restless sleep...


	7. She's not there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She calls in sick and J. gets worried. He decides to go see her after work and tell her he's sorry for messing up, but as he reaches her apartment, he sees another guy leaving. Apparently, something happened.

It had been several weeks since Joaquin met her. Several weeks of trying to fight his feelings of falling in love with her. But last night, he was weak and gave in. He fucked her good. Because she allowed him to. Still in thought, Joaquin took his time to wake up and make himself a coffee and have a smoke. He turned his phone back on and was suprised there were no notifications of her having called him. 

On his way to work he was deep in thought, trying to figure out how he'd react to seeing her again after she called him last night. She said she needed him while he thought he heard her cry...It pained him to know he hurt her, but fucking her was a big mistake.

Joaquin arrived at work later than usual after a rough night drifting in and out of dreams. As he arrived at his dressing room, people were already waiting for him. He scanned the room, but she wasn't there. That confused him, because after she was reprimanded by Tom for being late a few weeks back, she always made sure she was on time.   
'She's not here yet?', Joaquin asked Tom.  
'Who isn't here yet?' Your sweet petite photographer?', Tom said teasingly. 'Called in sick this morning', he said. 'Great timing, because today she was supposed to do the promotional head shots. We'll have to schedule those soon. Now go get yourself ready, it's going to be a busy day.'

Joaquin sat down in his chair ready for makeup. As the makup artists did their thing on his face, he closed his eyes to gather his thoughts. She was pretty focused and professional about her work and her calling in sick made him wonder if she was okay. He was only fooling himself, because he knew she wasn't okay. He had made sure of that. Thinking he could just walk out on her, leaving her vulnerable after getting what he wanted, was just harsh. And then hanging up on her when she called him to say she needed him...What was he thinking?!  
The more he thought about it, the more he realised that running away from his feelings and from her, was not the way to go. He behaved like an utter asshole. He felt sick to his stomach for handling this the way he had.   
In the morning a few scene were shot, but theyhad to be shot over and over and over again. Joaquin couldn't focuse, couldn't concentrate. On his smoke break, Joaquin went outside to give her a call. Maybe she was actually sick and maybe her absence had nothing to do with him.

His hands were shaking as he picked up his phone and dialed her number. He let it ring for quite some time, all the while whispering to himself: 'Pick up, pick up, pick up...'. But she didn't pick up and his phone call went to voicemail. Joaquin hung up, not sure what message to leave. He gave it a little thought and called again. Voicemail.   
'Hey.....it's me....I was wondering if you're okay since you called in sick....Uhm....uh.....just call me back, okay?', Joaquin said and hung up. He inhaled deeply from his cigarette and while it hung from his lips, he called again. 'Uhm....I'll drop by straight after work, okay?....I'm sorry how I handled things...I-uhm....I....just call me, please...'. Joaquin put out his cigarette and went back into the building. 

After filming was done, Joaquin removed his makeup and put his normal clothes back on. She hadn't called him back. The hoodie which he had lent her before hanging loosely from his body, he stared through the window and was determined to go see her anyway. It was a cold night, but he could do with some fresh air to clear his mind and he set off on foot to her apartment. While walking to her home, Joaquin tried to think of things to say to her to make things better between them. Maybe, just maybe he could try and let her in. Maybe he could allow himself to be more vulnerable, because she made him feel calm and gave him peace. She made him feel more grounded. If he would be vulnerable and let someone in, it would be her. He hoped it wasn't too late to control the damage he had done.

As he walked up the stairs to her front door, he heard some noise coming from the hallway. Without thinking about it, Joaquin stepped back around the corner, so he wouldn't be seen. He peeked at her door, which now opened. Out came a guy who looked slightly familiar. He was zipping up his jeans as he left her apartment. His chest was bare and as he walked down the hallway he put his t-shirt back on. There was a big tear on the back of his shirt. The guy walked further down the hall and with a smirk on his face said to himself: 'Fuck, she's feisty'. 

Just before the guy turned the corner where Joaquin stood, Joaquin took the staircase down. This guy, whom he recognised as someone who worked in same the building as Joaquin, stepped into the elevator and left. Joaquin ran down the stairs as quickly as he could, stumbling on his feet a few times. He just wanted to get out of there. When he finally felt the cold air outside, he stopped as his breathing had gotten out of control. He went around the corner of the building and stood in a dark alleyway trying to catch his breath. Out of pure anger and frustration, Joaquin started kicking the pile of trash in the alleyway. He kicked and kicked as hard as he could until he lost his balance and fell down to the floor. Sitting there, panting, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes and had trouble lighting one because his hands were shaking so bad. He lost it. 

So that's why she didn't answer her phone. She was busy fucking this other guy! What the hell was she thinking! He was right all along, fucking her and opening up to her would give him nothing but grief. He hadn't turned his back on her, and her tighs were still warm from having hi in between them and she already was in bed with this dude. Such a waste of his time. She probably just let Joaquin fuck her, because he was an actor and she would have something to brag about to her friends. Joaquin got up and slowly started walking home, smoking one cigarette after the other. His thoughts were all over the place. When he finally arrived at his house, he took a shower and some sleeping pills and tried his best to not think about her anymore. He felt stupid for allowing himself to think he could let her in. The sleeping pills kicked in and he felt so fucking tired from this rollercoaster of emotions, that he soon drifted off. Fuck her, from now on she would be dead to him.


	8. Dissociate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter contains a graphic rape scene. If this triggers you, please, please stop reading NOW.

You sat on the floor of the bathroom, while the water ran across your body. You had sat there for over an hour now, desperately trying to wash him off of you, but you could still smell his foul odour on your skin and in your hair. He smelled of alcohol so bad, it made you sick. You looked at the bruises on your inner thighs his knees had left. He kept pushing your legs wide open for him to brutally penetrate you. He hurt you so bad as you tried fighting him off. You tried to kick him, but he was way too strong. You kept pushing his chest away, but he didn't move an inch. You slapped him in his face, but it only seemed to arouse him more as he grabbed your wrists to pin you down on the floor. His frim grip had left their marks on your wrists. While he kept thrusting painfully inside you while you were on the floor, you could feel the skin on your back burning from the friction. And now, sitting in the shower, the warm water on your back hurt, but you would rather feel the stinging of your grazed skin than your sore body from him raping you. You felt so raw and every muscle hurt. You kept crying uncontrollably until you had to throw up. Why hadn't Joaquin showed up? You needed him now more than ever.

You had listened to Joaquin's voice on your voicemail over and over again, excited for him to come see you. You would have told him, you would give him space and take things slowly. No rush. But instead of Joaquin at your door, it was this guy who was completely wasted. Before you could close the door again, he had already pushed it wide open. He had grabbed you by your hair and pushed you to the floor where he started to rip your clothes off. You immediately went into survival mode and started kicking and screaming, pulling his shirt and even though you tore it, it didn't matter one bit. He came to fuck you and he wouldn't leave until he had done just that. As you were begging him to stop, you could feel his erection painfully rubbing against your opening and you smelled his alcohol breath on your face. Frantically you tried to fight him off, but the more you fought, the tighter he pinned you down. 

'Stop fighting and it will all be over soon', he said in a slurred speech. 'Just imagine me being Mr Phoenix, because you sure enjoyed him fucking you, didn't you?'. You recognized him from working in the buidling. You weren't sure what it was he did there, but apparently he had watched you and Joaquin make love the night before. When he came to your door, he had your panties in his hand, the one you had thrown in the bin when Joaquin left. Apparently, he had taken them from the bin and brought them home with him as some kind of souvenir. The pervert. 

He looked down at you and he looked like a predator. You were his prey. How could you have been so stupid to just open your door, without even looking who was there? Joaquin had left a voicemail, saying he would come see you straight after work, and you didn't even consider the knock on you door being somebody else. But it was.

He pentrated you roughly and sent a sharp pain through your belly. You cried and begged him to stop, but he didn't even hear what you were saying. The longer it kept on going, the more you froze. You wanted it to be over with. You wanted him to leave. As you lay there on the floor, with him inside on you, fucking you like you were an object, you closed you eyes and dissociated yourself from what was happening. You were back in the bathroom again, where Joaquin helped you through your panic attack by holding you tight and breathing you through it. You could smell him again...his dark hair, his eyes, his arms around your small frame...you felt him protecting you from what was going on. His voice was telling you it would all be over soon as he wiped away your tears....

After what seemed like forever, you felt him spill inside of you. He let out a moan and said: 'I hope this was as good for you as it was for me' as he pulled himself out. He got up and grabbed his clothes from the floor. Your eyes half closed you heard her front door open and close. He finally left. You remained on the floor, not being able to move. You thought about calling Joaquin, but didn't know what to say. 'Joaquin, I've just been raped, do want to come over and pick up the pieces?'. You didn't even know where to start...Calling the police was not an option either, because you couldn't bare being put through a physical examination for evidence of being raped. 

As you laid on the hard cold floor, you could feel a panic attack coming on. This time you would have to breathe yourself through it without Joaquin for comfort. You got up and turned the key in the door, locking it. Hyperventilating, you got into the shower to wash all this dirt off of your body. You felt so gross and ashamed...

You got out of the shower and picked up your phone. You called a close friend to ask him to stay the night. You'd been friends since childhood and you trusted him with your live. After explaining what had happened while constantly choking up, he promised to be there in fifteen minutes. Staring at the clock, you watched the minutes pass and finally another call. 'I'm coming up now, babe', you heard him say. You waited at the door and saw him arrive. As you opened the door for him, he held open his arms and wrapped you in them. You couldn't stop crying as he tried comforting you. Finally, you could feel save. He put you in bed and laid down next to you, holding your hand. Tomorrow would be another day, and you would call in sick for a few days to gather your thoughts and work through this. You didn't know how long you'd need, before you'd be ready fro work again. And for now, that was the least of your worries.


	9. Outburst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back at work, things reach a boiling point between you and J. Contains some depictions of angry behaviour and deep emotional stuff.

It took you quite some time to recover enough to return to work. You had phoned Tom and told him there was a family emergency that you needed to take care off. To your relieve you got the time you needed without having to explain yourself any further. You had taken quite enough photos the week prior to this happening, but there was still a major photo session to be done, which was scheduled on your return.

The days following the rape, you went from one panic attack to the other. You could barely function, and even getting dressed are preparing food seemed major tasks. You had obviously lost some weight due to the stress and not taking care of yourself properly. The friend who stayed with you the night you were raped, accompanied you to the doctor's and made sure you were as okay as possible. Upping your meds helped a little too. 

Joaquin had been on your mind a lot, but you just felt too numb to give him a call. He didn't bother to call you either, and to be honest, you just didn't have the energy to pick up where you left off. Him walking out on you after that intense night in his dressing room was still fresh in your memory, and you could not handle being rejected once over. 

A few days before the major photo shoot was scheduled, you went back to work hoping to be able to adjust more easily after being away for a while. Walking up to Joaquin's dressing room where you left some gear before this all happened, you were afraid to bump into the guy who raped you, but luckily that didn't happen. From what you heard there had been a few shifts in employees, so maybe he was replaced as well. Besides, you were determined to start living again instead of hiding, no matter how hard that would be.

When you came to the door, you knocked but there was no answer. Joaquin's dressing room wasn't locked so you entered the room and went looking for your gear. You saw Joaquin's black hoodie hanging over the chair and automatically you picked it up and smelled it. Immediately you felt butterflies through your stomach and all the memories of that night with him flushed over you. The feeling was so overwhelming, you had to put your hand on the chair for balance. You dropped the hoodie from your hands and as it fell to the floor, a piece of paper fell out. You picked the hoodie up and put it over the chair and then you looked at the piece of paper. You picked it up and realised it was a picture. When you flipped it round you saw it was a picture of you and Joaquin. You remember how Tom had been taking pictures with his phone on set and he had also taken a picture of you and Joaquin sitting together on one of his smoke breaks. In the picture Joaquin had a cigarette in his hand and with his other hand he was wiping a strand of hair from your face. You looked up at him and smiled. It was a lovely picture and even if it was nothing special, it struck you how much love radiated from that image. Apparently Joaquin had been carrying this picture around with him, because the edges were torn and folded. You wondered why he wanted to keep that picture close. Did he still have feelings towards you?

The door of the dressing room opened and Joaquin walked in. You quickly put the picture back in the pocket of his hoodie. He was taken aback with you being there: he obviously didn't expect to see you. The look on his face shifted from surprise to hatred within seconds. He gave you a cold glare which made you look away quickly. You swallowed and regained yourself and looked back up at him. If only you could find the words to tell him what happened...His eyes looked so intense from under those dark eye lashes it scared you. He just stood there staring at you, not acknowledging in any way what had happened the last time you were together. The way he looked at you with utter contempt, your night together seemed like it never happened. You were surprised how you felt a need to touch him nonetheless. You wanted to feel his warm skin under your fingertips and run your hands through his hair. You hadn't expected this feeling of longing to hit you this hard. Especially not after everything that happened. 

After a while just standing there he said coldly: 'You're still here then?'  
You paused before speaking, and then said: 'Yes....I-umh, I,....there was a family emergency and I had to go away for a while'. 

There was an akward silence. You didn't know what to say and obviously Joaquin didn't feel like talking. With the vibe he gave off, you didn't have to nerve to ask him why he didn't show that day when he said he would. He looked deep in thought, troubled even, but didn't want to show. Something had broken deep inside of him. You didn't know what to say to make it any better. You thought about what it would be like seeing Joaquin again, but you never expected him to be this cold and distant. 

'How have you been?', you asked in an attempt to break the silence.  
He still stared at you but didn't answer. 'If you don't mind, I like to get change clothes now. Just leave.', he said.  
'Oh...o-okay....', you said. 'Uhm, Joaquin....., you know about the scheduled shoot next week?, you asked.  
'Mmm.', he mumbled. He looked extremely irritated with you being there, waiting for you to leave the room.  
'Could you wear a light coloured shirt for the shoot?', you said trying to break the ice.  
'Whatever', Joaquin snapped at you. 'Now if you don't mind', he looked at you, then at the door.  
You picked up the gear you came for and walked to the door. Before you left you turned and looked at Joaquin. He was standing with his back facing you and looked so sad and vulnerable. He put on his hoodie and immediately reached inside the pocket as if to make sure his picture was still there. You saw him take it out and without looking at it, he made a fist and threw the crumpled picture in the trash can next to him. With a lump in your throat, you closed the door behind you and went home.

After a few days of working on set again, with Joaquin ignoring your presence as much as possible and avoiding you whenever he could, the photo shoot came up. The shoot with Joaquin was scheduled at 10am. You made sure to come in early, so you'd have plenty of time putting everything in place. It wasn't until 10.30am that Joaquin arrived. It seemed like he was late on purpose to annoy you, because when you asked him about it, he just looked at you while sahkking his head in contempt. You had asked him to wear a light coloured shirt, but instead he was wearing his black hoodie with a black shirt underneath. You had to switch backgrounds now for him to stand out.  
'Morning', you said, 'I thought I asked you to put something light on?', you said slightly irritated.  
'Didn't feel like it', he said and sat down on the chair you set up for him as he lit up a cigarette. He inhaled deeply and said 'Can we just get this over with?' while clouds of smoke surrounded his face. It was very difficult having to work with him. He made you feel rejected. All the while images of you and him together flashed in front of you; how he stroked your thighs, how he penetrated you while he made look at him and how he made you come. But also how he got up and left right after he fucked you. And how alone that made you feel. 

You found it very hard to concentrate on your job with Joaquin being like this, but you tried your best anyway. Joaquin made sure you felt his annoyance and didn't cooperate at all. He didn't smile at the camera, he didn't look in the lense once. He just sat there looking pissed. No matter how hard you tried to get him to work with you, he didn't give an inch. 

'I need a break', he said after about 20 minutes in and he stood up and walked away. He took his time and you were just about to pack everything in when he returned after about 45 minutes and sat down again, cup of coffee still in his hand, looking even more annoyed then before. He treated you like he would often treat interviewers who asked stupid questions.

'Could you please make an effort, Joaquin? I can't work like this', you said. All of sudden Joaquin kicked off. He jumped up from the chair.  
'YOU can't work like this?', he yelled. 'Are you fucking kidding me?! You think I can work like this?!'. He was fuming with anger. He walked up just inches from your face and kept on screaming at you, his eyes filled with fire. People on set were alarmed by his outburst and stopped with whatever they were doing and looked at the two of you. You had no idea what Joaquin was talking about, but he would let you know soon.

He completely lost it. 'Everytime I see you on set, I see HIM.', he snapped.  
'I don't know what you're talking about', you spoke softly and you felt tears burning your eyes. The way he was yelling at you scared you.  
'Stop lying! Stop fucking lying to me!', he yelled and his voice now broke with anger as he smashed his empty cup of coffee at the wall behind you. It shattered into a thousand pieces.  
'Was it good?', he hissed. 'Was it good having him fuck you? I saw him leaving your fucking apartment just as I came up. You sure wasted no time', he bit at you.

You realised he must have seen your rapist leaving your apartment that night and mistaken him for some hot shot you fucked. You choked up as images of that frightful event flushed over you. Before you could answer him, Joaquin fired words at you again like knives.  
'Was it good to feel him inside of you, huh? Did he make you fucking come, like I did? Did you whisper his fucking name in his ear like you did with me?!', Joaquin didn't give a shit about people on set staring at him in disbelief. Joaquin didn't lay a hand on you, but he was standing so close to you while screaming, that you just froze.  
'Answer me!', he demanded furiously. 'Fucking answer me!'.  
Your body started shaking uncontrollably. '.....He raped me......', you whispered still in disbelief from Joaquin yelling at you like that. '.....He hurt me real bad, Joaquin.....', you said as tears were streaming down your face. 

All of a sudden the room fell silent. Nobody moved or said anything. You could hear a pin drop. People just stared at each other in horror. Joaquin breathed in and out heavily, his nostrils flaring. He ran his hand across his face, rubbed his eyes with his thumb and index finger and shook his head in agony.  
'... ... ...What...w-what did he do...'?, Joaquin mumbled in disbelief. 'No....,' he signed, not being able to wrap his head around what you just told him.  
He put his arms around you tightly, but you wanted him to let go. You felt so hurt by him abonding you and yelling at you. This was all too much. You started pounding on his chest while sobbing uncontrollably now, but Joaquin didn't let go. 'Shhhh...shhh.......', he whispered in your ear as he pulled your fists away from his chest and wrapped them around his waist. He held you close as he tried to calm you down. He stroked you hair and kept sushing. He had so many questions and so many things he wanted to say, but words failed to take away the pain and the damage he had done by yelling at his girl like that. She was raped, somebody touched his girl, and he felt sick to his stomach. How could he have hated her without even knowing what happened? He should have been there to protect her. If he hadn't run the night he saw the guy leave her apartment, he could have conforted her. He could have chased down the guy and beat the shit out of him. He would have beaten him senseless, slowly kicking the life out of him.

'I'm so sorry, babe', he whispered with a broken voice. 'I'm so sorry...'

While the two of you just stood there clinging on to each other, people started to leave the floor to give you some privacy. 

Joaquin's smell calmed you down. Hearing his voice while he whispered sweet words reassured you. Such contrast with the way he was just yelling at you. His body felt so nice and warm under your fingers. He was your safe place. You wanted him as a blanket over you, protecting you from the outside world. You wanted to hide with him. 

Joaquin had regained himself as much as possible. He needed to be calm for his girl. He cupped your face with his hands and with his thumbs he wiped away your tears.  
'I missed you so much', he said. The anger had left his face and his eyes were soft again. With your face still in his hands, his lips searched yours. You felt him kiss you gently and slowly you opened your lips to taste him. He tasted so good and despite everything that was going, you wanted to feel him again. The thought of this unknown guy being the last to have touched you bothered you a lot. That thought became unbearable really. You wanted Joaquin to make you his again, you wanted him to show you having sex was something nice and intimate instead of something painful and frightening. Joaquin softly pulled his lips from yours and looked at you. He kept your eyes locked for a few seconds and you saw a tear slowly running down his face. There were so many words left unsaid, so much hurt, so much longing too. 

'Let me take you home', he whispered. 'We have a lot to talk about'.


	10. No longer alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you told J. what happened, he finally let's you in again. He's no longer angry and after having missed each other for a few weeks, it's time to release some tension. Some fluff and graphic sexual acts in this chapter, so if you're offended by some hot stuff, please stop reading. If not, please enjoy!

Joaquin walked with you to his dressing room and set you down on the sofa. The same sofa where he made love to you before. Your head was all over the place after what just happened. You tried so hard to pretend like everything was fine, but things were not fine. Far from it. 

While Joaquin gathered his things, he lit up a cigarette. He didn't say one single word, but you could tell by the look on his face, his mind was racing. He was pacing up and down the dressing room and looked extremely agitated. His calm posture from a moment ago drifted further and further away. He was mumbling to himself as if to gather his thoughts. You thought you heard him say he should have been there to protect you. You wished you never told him about the rape. The last thing you wanted was for him to be hurt in this as well. 

Joaquin stopped pacing and sat down on the sofa next to you. He started to move his knee up down rapidly which made his torso shake. He then looked at you and said with a hoarse voice:  
'I don't want you to go to your place tonight. I want to take you home with me'. 

There was no room to disagree or tell him you'd be fine staying at your own appartment. Joaquin had made up his mind and that was it. It was a Friday night, so you had all weekend to work through this with him. You nodded that that was okay and put your hand on his knee to stop him from moving. He put his hand on yours and gave it a little squeeze.  
'I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you...' he whispered. You shook your head and told him he shouldn't blame himself for what happened. None of this was down to him. 

Joaquin sat so close to you, you couldn't help but notice how nice he smelled. It was always his scent that made you feel safe and secure. His scent that made you crave for him. Even now, while you were extremely vulnerable and the air was filled with intense emotions, you wanted nothing more than to feel him inside you. All the way inside you...

He wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you close. It felt so fucking good hiding in his embrace. You just sat there and breathed him in...Without even thinking about it, your hand slid from his knee around his waist as you pulled yourself even closer to him. 

'I miss you, Joaquin', you spoke softly. 'I miss you so much it hurts'.  
He looked down at you and you could see your own pain reflected in his eyes. He was in pain too.  
'I miss you too, babe', he said. 'I really screwed things up, didn't I?'

He stroked your face with the side of his hand. Then he touched your lips with his thumb. Before he knew what was happening you opened your lips slightly and sucked his thumb in your mouth. You could still taste your salty tears on his finger as you started sucking it softly. Joaquin's breathing got a bit heavier and he closed his eyes for a brief moment. He pulled out his thumb and pressed his lips on yours. Tasting him again after all these weeks of missing him felt amazing. You got aroused way too fast. It was as if all the hurt and longing were finally over and forgotten. All you wanted was for Joaquin to make you his again. 

Joaquin slipped his hand in between your legs and slowly moved it towards your pussy. When he touched you there it felt like your whole body melted. He stroked you softly and you could hear his breathing getting faster. All of sudden he stopped kissing you and pulled his hand away.

'Oh fuck, I'm so sorry', he said. He looked startled. He tried his best to get his burning desire for you under control, but you could see the bulge in his jeans from where his erection was.  
'What's wrong?', you asked.  
'You're way too vulnerable right now for me to fuck you', he answered staring at you with those piercing greyish-green eyes. 'I can't take advantage of you'.  
'You're not taking advantage of me, Joaquin. Please...', you begged him. Now it was your turn to put your hand in between his legs and find your way to his hard cock. He sighed as you touched him through the fabric. Feeling just how hard he was, sent a shiver through your belly and you could tell you were getting wetter by the minute. Joaquin put his hand on yours and tried to pull it away. 

'You want me to stop, Joaquin?', you said.  
'No....I don't....', he whispered staring at you with those eyes you drowned in. He seemed conflicted with what he thought was the right thing to do and what his body so badly craved for.

You sat down on your knees in front of him and unbuttoned his jeans to reveal his hard cock. Pre-cum was glistening on the top and you bent over to lick it off him. He tasted so fucking good. When you licked him, Joaquin let out a moan and put his hands on your face. He pulled your face up to meet his. 

'Are you sure this is what you want?', he asked, unsure if you were ready to be this intimate again.  
'Yes, I'm sure. I want you real bad...', you breathed as Joaquin dropped his head back and rested it on the sofa. His dark curls fell back and he closed his eyes. He looked amazingly hot and you wanted nothing more than to please him. 

You put your head in his lap again and curled your lips around his cock. Slowly you sucked him, moving your lips up and down his shaft. Joaquin starting moaning and he ran his fingers through your hair. You licked him up and down, sucked him in and tasted more of his pre cum. With your tongue you circled the tip of his cock and enjoyed Joaquin being so aroused by what you were doing with him. Your mouth tasted his balls and gently you sucked on one. He trusted you to allow you to do this and you could tell by his moans, how much he was enjoying it. You were slowly but surely driving him insane. 

'This feels amazing', he moaned. 'I'm going to come soon'.  
You kept sucking him, but at a harder and faster pace now. Joaquin squirmed underneath your tongue, his hands grabbing your hair and pulling it. He started bucking his hips and you knew it wouldn't be too long now. Just before he came, he tried to pull you away from him so he wouldn't come in your mouth. But you wanted to taste him so bad, you didn't let him pull you away from him. His stomach was damp with sweat. Joaquin was panting heavily now. He gazed down at you and watched his hard cock disappear in your mouth. It made him explode and he couldn't hold it any longer now. All of of a sudden you could taste his warm cum as he bucked a few more times while moaning and panting. 

Joaquin had come. And as he did, he almost inaudibly whispered: 'I love you...' He pulled your face up to meet his eyes and wiped your mouth clean.

'What are you doing to me, baby?', he whispered. He pulled you up by your elbows and held you close to his chest for a while. 

Stroking your hair, he whispered: 'Let me take you home. We need to go. They'll be closing the building soon'. He lit up a cigarette and started to button his jeans back up. Without saying another word, he put his arm around your waist and walked you out of the building and into a cab. But this time the silence wasn't akward; this time the silence was one of calm and peace. You couldn't wait to reach Joaquin's home and be with him again.


	11. Wordless communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J. takes you home with him where things get intense. Last chapter in this story had to end with some smut, right?!

While driving to Joaquin's apartment, you snuggled up to him in the backseat of the cab. He pulled you tight and you rested your head on his shoulder. The feeling of his chest going up and down with every breath he took was calming. He seemed anxious still, because he would stare out of the window now and then and slowly drag his hand over his face, closing his eyes. As if he couldn't shake off the image of what had happened to you. Or he would take a deep sigh and move his knee up and down uncontrollably. He didn't even notice he was doing it until you put your hand on his knee to stop it from shaking.

At his apartment you were greeted by his dogs who seemed to like you immediately. Within no time your clothes were covered in tiny dog hairs. You were fond of dogs so it didn't bother you at all.  
'Sorry 'bout that', he mumbled absently while sitting you down and then walking into the kitchen. It sounded like he was making you a coffee. Joaquin seemed to distance himself farther and farther away from you, pulling back into his own world of thoughts. And even though there was a lot to talk about, you both weren't sure where to start.

Joaquin came out of the kitchen with two cups of coffee in his hands and some sweets. You notice he had slipped into a pair of joggers and that he was barefoot now. His dark hair looked messy and some curls around his face were leading a life of their own, sticking out randomly. It gave his appearance a boyish look. His lips were pressed together and he had a pained look in his eyes. 

Before sitting down next to you, he handed you the warm cup of coffee and even though it was already past eleven in the evening, you hoped the caffeine would help you to stay awake. It was going to be a long night and you already felt overwhelmed and on the verge of meltdown. You were dreading having to talk about being raped, but you knew Joaquin would want to know every little detail so he could picture what had happened exactly. He needed to know what went on in order to calm his vivid imagination. 

Joaquin took a sip of his coffee and lit a cigarette. He drew in a deep breath and blew out smoke up in the air, his head tilted slightly upwards. He looked so incredibly hot when he smoked. You watched him bring his hand towards his lips for another drag of the cigarette. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb while the cigarette was dangling in between his index and middle finger. His eyes seemed fixed in the distance. Even though it made you feel sad, you liked watching him while he was deep in thought. He seemed to forget about the world around him for a little while. A strange mixture of emotions raced through your body: hurt, lust, love, longing, shame and anger were burning inside you. You wondered if Joaquin was confused by his own emotions as well. All you wanted really was for the hurt to stop. All you wanted was to forget what happened and pretend everything was a-okay. 

All of a sudden Joaquin snapped out of his thoughts and turned his face towards you. His eyes pierced straight through you.  
'You said he hurt you real bad...What did he do to you exactly?', Joaquin asked with a broken voice. His direct question put you off balance. Flushed with shame you coudn't bare to look Joaquin in the face.  
'Please, babe....talk to me', he said. 'I need to know. I'm going crazy here'. There was a silence. Jaoquin finished his smoke giving you time to gather your thoughts. But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn't find the words. It was as if you froze, not being able to let Joaquin in. It felt awful.  
***

Looking at her he noticed how extremely tensed she looked. Her shoulders were pulled up to her ears, her head was hanging down and her back in a curve. Like if she wanted to curl herself up in a ball. Her dark long hair was hanging in front of her face so he couldn't see her eyes. As if she used her hair to hide from him. She looked so frail and hurt, so broken; it tore him apart seeing her like this. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get her to open up to him. She couldn't tell him what happened. 

It was no use pushing her now; it would only make her shut down on him even more. He sat down on his knees in front of her. He put his hand under her chin and raised her face up towards him. The look in her eyes sent a sharp pain through his body. She look so lost and shattered.  
'In your time, love. You tell me when you're ready. I'm here for you', he told her reassuringly. He put a strand of hair behind her ear so he could look at her face. Her eyes welled up with tears as he spoke. She looked very vulnerable, but he felt a burning desire for her nonetheless. He wanted to make her pain go away, and his pain with it. 

He pulled his phone from his pocket and searched for his favourite song. As soon as the music started, he grabbed her hand and pulled her off the sofa. He pulled her close to him, buried her head in his shoulder. He cradled her with his warm body, rocking her softly from side to side on the rythm of his favourite song. He could feel the tension slowly leaving her tiny body as she relaxed more and more in his arms. He stroked her hair and her back still guiding her on the rythm of the music. Dancing with her to his song was allowing them both to express their deepest felt emotions without having to find to right words. A wordless communication between him and her. For now everything was just too overwhelming to talk about, but slowly moving to the music helped to release some tension.

He noticed how she rested her head on his chest, breathing him in. His hand traced her spine and feeling her tiny frame under his fingertips aroused him. Still moving slowly to the music, he nosed down the skin of her neck dropping a few soft kisses. As he did, he felt her hands gripping his waist a little tighter. She dropped her head slightly to one side, allowing him more excess to her neck. He kept kissing her, barely touching her skin with his lips, whispering in her ear how much he missed her. She moaned softly and allowed him to continue. He wanted her so bad and couldn't help but feel his erection growing fast. He pulled his hips away from her hoping to prevent her from feeling his hard-on. He didn't want her to think all she was to him was a good and easy fuck. She wasn't. Far from it. He loved her. He loved her deeply. She had become a part of him over the past months and he couldn't imagine his life without her anymore. 

'Promise me to tell me if I'm taking things too quickly', he whispered, his breathing getting out of control fast now.  
'Please, don't stop', she begged him. 'I've waited far too long for this'.

He lifted her up from the floor and swung her legs around his waist. He walked over to his bedroom and laid her down on his bed. The bed where he spent nights with her on his mind. Empty nights where he touched himself, masturbating while fantasizing about being with her. And now he was.  
He took off his shirt and joggers and tossed them to the floor. He laid his naked body on top of her.  
'You're so incredibly beautiful', he heard her whisper. He smiled at her, looking at her face. She looked so relaxed now, her cheeks rosy, her eyes wide open. He stroked her cheek and pressed his lips on her mouth. His kisses were full of lust quickly and his tongue searched for hers. It was so good to taste her again. He enjoyed her breathing getting heavier with every stroke of his tongue. 

She pulled off her jeans and top. The way she was laying underneath him drove him mad. He wanted to be inside her, he wanted to ride the waves with her. He wanted to fuck her; fuck her hard. Unsure whether she was up for that, he started off with touching her tenderly. His hands stroked her thighs up and down, making sure to stop right before touching her center. He wanted to feel if she was wet for him, but felt it was too soon. 

'Promise me to tell me to stop if you want me to. I wíll stop, you know. You are in charge here, you decide how far we take this', he spoke in a husky voice. It only seemed to arouse her even more.  
'Fuck me, Joaquin', she begged him. 'I long for you so bad', she panted.

He didn't need any more encouraging. Without hesitation he moved his hand all the way towards her center. He cupped her pussy and felt her panties were all wet. He put himself on one elbow so he could get a good look at her face. She gazed at him intensely. With her help, he pulled her panties down. Slowly he slid one finger deep inside her while looking her at her. She bit her lip and then let out a big moan.  
'Oh, Joaquin', she whispered, 'this feels amazing'.  
She was so wet he easily found his way inside her and he slid in another finger, stretching her further. She liked what he was doing, arching her back as he entered her. Moving up and down inside her swollen pussy, he felt her muscles contract around his fingers. It was driving him mad. He would take his time pleasing her, discovering her. His erection was full-on now and he wanted to feel her around his cock. He sucked in one of her nipples and bit it softly. It was then that he felt her hand around his length, stroking him up and down. Her touch was pleasurable, but he ached for her pussy. It was time.

He rolled her on her stomach and placed himself between her legs, placing his hands on either side of her body. He bent his head down close to her ear and whispered:  
'Please don't hesitate to tell me to stop if you want me to. Really, it's fine. I'll go and take a shower to cool off', he told her. He was afraid he would cross a line, afraid he would do something she didn't want him to do. He wanted to make 100% sure this is what she wanted. He wanted her to feel safe more than anything else. He wanted her to fully trust him.  
As if she read his mind she answered: 'I know you won't hurt me, Joaquin. No worries, please. I will tell you when I'm uncomfortable, I promise. But right now, I'm feeling so aroused....'

Laying on top of her back he positioned his hips so the tip of his cock was touching her wet opening. It would only take him one hard thrust to fully penetrate her.  
'Are you ready for me?', he asked her. 'Yes, please fuck me', she moaned.  
He slid his hard cock inside her and fully penetrated her.  
'Oh fuck, yes', he panted, feeling her tight wet pussy contract around his length as he entered her. She was so incredibly wet. All for him. He started thrusting; first slow and deep, then picking up pace. He grabbed hold of both her hands and placed them besides her head. He buried his face in her hair. She whispered his name; he liked that a lot. He kept thrusting deep inside her in a fast pace. She squeezed his hands, and begged him for more. She told him she'd never felt this aroused before and she wanted him to fuck her senseless...he liked the way she was burning, the way he seemingly drove her insane. Maybe she was ready for him to take things a bit further...

He slipped out of her and with his body still hovering above her, he grabbed a pillow and shoved it under her hips.  
'I want to try something if you'll let me', he whispered in her ear. He was taking the lead now after she made him feel comfortable enough to do so.  
Fucking her had made her even more wet and swollen then when he first touched her. He was pretty confident this would be enough for what he was about to do. 

'You will tell me to stop if you need me to, right? Promise.' he told her.  
'I promise. But I want you to take me, Joaquin', she said, as if she already knew what he was about to do. 

***

When Joaquin pulled himself out and shoved a pillow under your hips. lifting your ass up towards him, butterflies were racing through your stomach. Would he really try that with you? You had had fantasies about what it would be like to have anal sex, if it would be extremely painful or very pleasurable. You would only want to try it with someone you fully trusted and Joaquin was that person. He would not hurt you and you were sure he would stop if you asked him to. Him asking you if you were still okay every few minutes proved just that. He was sweet for doing that.

Snapping you out of your thoughts, you felt Joaquin pushing his thumb against your tight ass. He pressed slightly and to your surprise he easily slid in there. You were surprised by how pleasurable it felt. Closely paying attention to your reaction, he slowly started moving his thumb up and down your tight ass. The stretching feeling was amazing, and you soon found yourself moaning and panting heavily. Joaquin allowed you to adjust to this stretching feeling before pushing in another finger. It didn't slide in as easy as the first finger, but it wasn't painful. He really took things slowly. You drifted off in a high, forgetting everything around you. This feeling was incredible.

'Do you want me to try and penetrate you?', Joaquin whispered almost inaudibly.  
'Yes', you answered softly, panting heavily.  
'You sure?', he asked.  
'Absolutely sure', you whispered.

Joaquin pulled out his fingers and lined himself up with your behind. He put the tip of his cock against your ass and pushed forward just a little bit. You could feel the resistance, but Joaquin kept pushing ever so slightly, and slowly he stretched you enough to penetrate your tight ass.  
You felt yourself tense up. Joaquin noticed and stopped moving.  
'You okay?,' he said.  
'I don't know, but I don't want you to stop', you begged him.  
'I'll let you adjust and move really really slowly', he assured you. Incoherent moans left his throat. You could tell how much he was into this.

He slowly kept pushing and you could feel him filling you inch by inch. The stretching feeling drove you mad and having him fuck you like this made you feel extremely vulnerable. You were afraid to move, even though he didn't hurt you. He was in complete control and that in itself felt amazing. Being able to trust him like this and the way he constantly paid attention to your needs was incredible. 

When he fully penetrated you, Joaquin started thrusting. It felt absolutely amazing. He was enjoying it as much as you were, and hearing him breathe heavily, swearing incoherently under his moans made you love him even more. You were so close to an orgasm, but you wanted this feeling to last. Joaquin had both hands placed beside your body and was bucking his hips into you. With every thrust he made, he brought your orgasm closer. Then he lowered his body and laid down on top of your back. His weight pressing you down in the matress added to your arousal. You were at the hands of his mercy. He slid one hand underneath your belly and found his way to your swollen pussy. With two fingers he penetrated you while still thrusting his cock in your ass. His fingering your pussy and fucking your ass made you explode. Apparently Joaquin noticed, because he started thrusting faster and fingered you deeper.

'I'm almost there, babe', he panted. 'Are you gonna cum with me?'. His thrusts were unforgiving now and before you could answer him, your body started to spasm and an orgasm took over. He made you cum hard. Your ass and pussy contracted around his length and on his fingers and Joaquin lost it.  
'OH YES!', he moaned...'FUUUUCK...', he panted as he came hard inside you, riding out the waves of his orgasm. His thrusts became less steady, and slowly he stopped moving. Very gently he pulled himself out before rolling onto his back, still breathing heavily. His pulled you close, your head on his chest. His body was covered in sweat. Taking some time to recover, you both didn't speak. After a while he reached beside the bed and picked up a pack of cigarettes. He lit one and inhaled deeply. As he blew out the smoke, he looked at you and asked:  
'Was that okay for me to do that?'  
'It was, Joaquin. It felt amazing'.  
'You sure? No regrets?', he asked. It was kinda sweet to see him so insecure all of a sudden after doing what he did.  
'It made me feel extremely vulnerable in a nice way', you let him know.  
'Yes, I know', he whispered. 'The most important thing for this to be pleasurable for both is to have complete trust in one another'. He looked at you with those beautiful eyes of his. His gaze was deep and you didn't feel like looking away at all this time. Just like the dance a few hours before, you didn't need words to express how deeply you felt about him. He understood by looking at you and you understood by looking at him. He pressed his lips on yours and sealed this intimate moment with a long and tender kiss.  
'I know I'm not an easy person to deal with. I can be very intense. Why do you love me?', Joaquin asked.  
'You make me feel safe', you answered without hesitating. 'And I feel whole when I'm with you'.  
'Me too', he spoke in a hoarse voice. 'You calm me down and I feel incomplete when you're not there. You're my girl and I will protect you.'

No words were spoken after that. You both needed time to process what you shared. Joaquin finished his smoke and then got up and went into the bathroom. After sharing a shower you drifted off into a dreamless sleep in his arms, with the sun already coming up.


End file.
